Category Archives: Love Notions

Love Notion #8: The Doll or the Dragon

Oh, I think I found myself a cheerleader/
she is always right there when I need her

– Cheerleader

Compared to women and their extensive lists of dealmakers/breakers, men have simple tastes.  From talking to guys in my life I gather this is a general outline of their ideal mate:

  • Makes me feel like I’m their hero
  • Encourages my hobbies
  • Motivates me to be the best man possible
  • Respects and believes in me
  • Doesn’t try to change me
  • Always sweet and loyal even when I fail

So a female version of Baymax, basically.

Sometimes I feel the pressure of performing the docile role given in Gone Girl. She’s every man’s dream: hot and understanding, “She doesn’t mind, she’s the coolest” – the definitive compliment because he is getting his way in whatever he wants. She enjoys sports, burping, video games, drinking, and junk food. When he is forgetful or inconsiderate there is no penalty, she just smiles and moves on. They’re not pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be.

Are all the above fair and realistic traits to ask for when considering a significant other? I comprehend these attributes conceptually but practicing them has been unsuccessful. It seems we have to compete to be like Samantha from the film Her, an operation system personality who loves without judgment. Of course I rebel at endorsement of easy going behavior, being contrary to the core, but others may not be so immune. Apparently image issues aren’t enough, women have to try to run a Stepford act to lure in a boyfriend as well.

So what is the type men try to avoid?

  • Opinionated and demanding
  • Criticizes decisions
  • Sensitive and amplifies situations out of proportion
  • Gets drunk on jealousy
  • Complains about everything
  • Acts like something is wrong but says it’s “nothing”
  • Plays mind games
  • Nags and brings up past grievances

The message is clear: chill = gold, crazy = fail. All the men in my tree tell me they steer miles away from women who possess these exciting features. Regrettably I have most of them in abundance and despair of becoming the former type that is so desirable.
Not that I would conform to popular standards for their own sake, but a lady who practices mercy, sees the good in everything, and never raises her voice – even if all that sounds so vanilla – is meritable.  I fail to give credit and assume the worst, acting as judge/ jury/ executioner. It doesn’t help that I forget guys have feelings since I’m so busy denying my emotions every day I inevitably fail to acknowledge them from others, which won’t serve in the long run.

I’m not quite sure which path to follow, but think there should be a fair balance of being one who is supportive and challenging at the same time. It’s a long unnatural road for me to restrain my cynical Daria voice. The best I have managed was to try setting aside my preferences and expectations.  That means everyone starts with 0 points and if something is done well, then it’s a pleasant surprise.  If things don’t work out, nothing is lost.  This immature strategy turns my regard into something conditional and any given situation is a test (but not for birthdays or anniversaries, sod those).

The way I see it, I’ll end up with someone who isn’t easily hurt by authoritative strength and enjoys bickering every day or find a peaceful drink of water who can handle the raging fires of my heart. Either way, I know that life is too short to pretend that I’m anything other than a moody hater so cheers to the brave soul who can tangle with a shrew like me. After all, even the psycho girls need love too.

naughtynice

Many thanks to the inspirational post I Wasn’t Treating My Husband Fairly And It Wasn’t Fair


Romance as Told by Movies

It’s just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That’s not based on any kind of reality.
– Before Sunrise

Love is tricky to define.  There’s the calm respectful type displaying logic and stability.  Alternately there are insanely passionate affairs involving extreme jealousy and control.  Or one can find a smoothie blend of something in between.  Mmm, smoothie…huh, where was I?  Oh yeah, every relationship has their own unique dynamic and cost.

Also to state the obvious: there is no such thing as “the one” person that’s right for you. There are various compatible options while we’re single and that shifts as we transform into different stages. Why stress out on whether or not you “missed” out on someone? The notion is absurd.

Movies will try to sell you on a lot of nonsense when it comes to love. But we can always take away a lesson from each couple’s example for better or for worse.

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In classic Animaniacs fashion, here’s a list of examples we have in media:

Twilight_(2008_film)_poster
Good idea: I cheered in the theater when Edward held off on sleeping together until they were married. Take that, society!
Bad idea: Bella fell apart when Edward left her and kept trying to risk her life in order to hallucinate that he was there.

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Good idea: Kitty and Levin did it right, timing is everything.
Bad idea: Anna and Vronsky ruined their lives and families because they couldn’t help but to put themselves first.

william_shakespeares_romeo_and_juliet
Good idea: File not found
Bad idea: Rushing into love at first sight, secret marriage, then double suicide?! Fools at their finest.

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Good idea: Picture your life with someone in the long run before making a decision. Don’t take the easy way out by being with someone you think everyone wants you to marry. Also, get in the water!
Bad idea: How about let’s not cheat on your fiance with your first love that you never got closure from?

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Good idea:  Find someone who understands and is wholly devoted to you.
Bad idea: See previous entry, “It doesn’t make any sense. That’s why I trust it.”

Love-Actually
Good idea: Love should not be selfish. Take risks but don’t get too carried away.
Bad idea: That means you, stop dodging airport security you bad bad kid!

ever_after
Good idea: The other person should bring out the best in you.
Bad idea: Choosing someone only for their status is unwise.

sense and sensibility poster
Good idea: Gentlemen, keep your word and make sure not to lead a woman on when you have someone already.
Bad idea: Ladies, you’re in danger investing emotionally in a man without verbal confirmation and approval from friends and family.

Love is a choice, not merely a feeling.


Love Notion #7: The Parameters of Rejection

There’s a part of me hoping
There’s a chance
That you’ll look in these eyes
And hold these hands

– Nothing Without You

Each person may have this scenario at least once in their lifetime:

A surprising declaration that reveals the earnest hopes of a friend…
…the suspense that hinges on a groundbreaking response…
….that leads to an irretrievable answer that would change the course of both lives…

…oh bother what a headache.

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying this over again.  Guys have it rough. They lay down their ego on the line to risk an epic strike out. They are told it’s fine to be their weird selves because women outwardly say they appreciate genuine and responsible men who listen.  That’s all hogwash of course. We are so much more demanding when evaluating the men around us.

What lofty illusions are males up against?  Not much, they just need:

– The body of Thor
– James McAvoy’s dazzling eyes
– Intellect of Sherlock Holmes
– Rugged charm of Hugh Jackson
– Mixed with Benedict Cumberbatch’s accent

Yum, heck yes. I mean, how dare we ask for that much?!

Then the minefield of dealbreakers. Not reasonable ones that help us to avoid druggies or manipulators. It’s the norm nowadays for women to condescendingly dismiss potential suitors on a superficial basis while failing to acknowledge their own issues. Character traits like loyalty and kindness count for little when focusing on minor infractions of status, style, or social aptitude.

Screws up the entire game, innit?

It’s a baffling world to the sincerely nice guys. They won’t be given the time of day because they don’t measure up to the charming swagger of every rom com star. An uphill battle if there ever was one, I don’t envy men at all for their situation. Walls are necessary but mocking attitudes of superiority are not. If I could, I’d apologize to the men dealing with that and say free will is a witch.

Mythical lists aside, how does a girl soberly gauge whether a guy is a good match?

Very high on my list of determining compatibility: conversation.  When they are on the same page on a lot issues (not necessarily hobbies), and can keep up with your meaning, and vice versa, like every good friend dynamic – PRICELESS.  We all should be looking for this kind of connection, because without it you have only a monochrome relationship.  A guy who speaks well still adds up to zero when you’re not interested in what he contributes.  They don’t necessarily need to say the right things at the right time but at least has observations that aren’t mundane.  This is quite an art to pair up individuals who can do this, because you can take one subject, such as movies, and have completely different discussions based on what they appreciate/hate/ get nothing from it.

Also, I factor in emotions as sensibly as I can. It sounds shallow to say I want them to make me feel a certain way; agitated, ecstatic, more safe, less alone. You know how the hormone roller coaster goes. Thinking they’re so impressive they might as well have placed the sun and moon in the sky. Replaying past conversations with them and conducting imaginary ones. Desperately devoted and haunted until there is room in your heart for nothing else. Not unlike how soda gets a hold of me, come to think of it…  But I have to always tell myself as Richelle Mead aptly puts it:

Love fades.

There are many kinds of affection. Take the infamous agonizing pain that consumes and drowns you in sweeping waves, for one. But there is an understated value in the comfortable joy that grows with a person who knows and accepts you flaws and all. Feelings will always come and go with the tide. How we are supposed to tell what amount of fondness is “enough” vs “settling” is beyond me. I personally can’t justify being with someone that raises lukewarm esteem, but I wouldn’t label it as wrong in general since we all have our own modus operandi.

That is not to say I’m without temptation to relax my stance so I can alleviate my boredom. The dark side of me tells me to give into the cruel pleasure of playing with the feelings of those who show interest. If I weren’t conscientious of decency I’d be conducting sadistic projects using one’s weakness my advantage to flatter my vanity in true Scarlet O’Hara fashion. It would at least be diverting to have a chauffeur who pays for my meals and deflects unwanted admirers. Who am I to refuse if they want to give me attention, complying with my every request like a sycophantic butler…but such an uneven partnership wears out quickly and wastes time. In theory. Anyway, that’s another topic for another time.

I feel sorry for those testing the waters trying to get anywhere with me.  I’m signal illiterate but invariably freeze up with anyone getting close due to my guy phobia. If they pass the one year familiarity mark they get my default bossy and insulting self. My sharp demeanor is essentially the same to all men I friendzone or have a deep attachment to because I need my space. The cards are nowhere near the table. They are stacked haphazardly in the box and thrown into the house of the abyss slammed shut with a triple locked door. Better to be guarded than to look foolish because opening your heart letting someone in is giving them power over you. The possibility of undergoing the devastating hurt of losing the one you love is terrifying. All for a flimsy chance at lasting contentment.

We are each allotted a finite amount of chances. But I don’t fear saying no to a man if I’m not fully certain about committing to.  Why?

Just because he is a great guy does not mean he’s the right one for me.

It’s always been clear who I fall for by picturing him out of my life or with someone else. If there is no rioting tumult of panic then obviously they are not an important person I want near. Even though I follow the credence people change and no opinion is set forever I recommend refusing now and avoid any muddled consequences later.  Then the lucky dude can do us both a favor and move on.

Honestly I can afford to be picky and hold onto the unattainable prize who won’t give me the time of day because I get treated so well by my community. That and I’m gifted with awareness when it comes my heart much like Fanny in Mansfield Park stubbornly deciding on Edmund over all others even when her love was unrequited. I was never afraid of being alone because I lack a tendency to focus on my single status. There is no void that causes me to struggle with reaching for the nearest available guy most days since I’m well aware of the stress a boyfriend can cause.  I’m sure I’ll revise my conditions of tolerance as I grow older.  Meanwhile I’ll be enjoying my life of freely checking out all the attractive celebrities.

doyoulikemenote


Love Notion #6: The Online Prospects

It’s a blessing to observe many intelligent women around me who are independent and fearless. They accomplish much as they search and wait extensively for a caring leader who can be there for them.

Unfortunately I also see plenty of men who are lost. They may have faulty role models or none. And even if they’re relatively well-adjusted, they still have to overcome us females who won’t take less than perfection.

So it should be no surprise when both sides end up lonely and disappointed.

Luckily there is a convenient way for this passive aggressive generation to connect without having to leave the comforts of your own room!

spongebobdating

Ladies, is it logical to expect a respectably ambitious and socially competent man to need the internet to find a match? Let’s not pretend the odds are in your favor. Also, I have doubts that it’s really worth the risk of going into these worrisome scenarios:

Faker Level 1
Lying about age, job, nunchaku skills, fishing ability, etc.
Trouble Level 2
Not as into commitment as their profile indicates, they casually invite you to their place multiple times
Nightmare Level 3
Crazy stalker who slips something in your drink

Guys, let’s hear the ironclad reasons, what is it that’s so impossible about finding a date IRL?

No time for that 
It’s called go to social events or join an interest group, Dr. Busy. The point is figure out your priorities and invest accordingly. If you don’t know how to balance your schedule in order to build a relationship what makes you think you can handle dating, marriage, and eventually parenthood?

Honestly there is no one around that is suitable
Either hang out with a more like-minded group who is actively introducing you to people they know or start evaluating why your standards are what they are and maybe shift into possibilities that are already in front of you.

Don’t want friends/family to know their dating life so they won’t get questioned or bothered about it
That’s creepy. PS, grow up!

I have too much pride to buy into the ever so trendy Coffee Meets Bagel, eHarmony, or others since it all seems a little forced. Search me how people enjoy the pressure and strategizing with pictures, descriptions, the next move, blah blah blah.  Also, I don’t want to credit a cyber algorithm with the most important human relationship of my life (divine guidance or no). If it means I ultimately fail to land Mr. Right, that’s my prerogative.

I can kind of understand and agree with individuals who advocate meeting people online – as long as there’s group involvement.  There’s just too much room for deceit interacting one-on-one.  So those who tell me they’re “talking to someone” for a while and don’t include their circle in the process I would advise to ditch that asap.  I’m so glad when it does work out, but I have yet to hear about an amicable date where they meet a spectacular suitor that they would recommend to me or another person (work the system). It damages my calm when people produce significant others out of nowhere then have them sent into obscurity. There is no foundation of friendship beforehand and nothing left when they want a new model. Our consumer culture enables people to use a service to look for a sure thing, moving on to another product in their pursuit of one that satisfies them more.

For the minority who are intentionally genuine and take the whole business of internet dating seriously, hats off and good luck to y’all because there’s plenty rubbish to sort through before finding a like-minded compatible person.

match

Team Community-Based 3D Relationships


Love Notion #5: The Wait

Patience is not often a trait I find either outside myself or within.  Usually something happens every day to give rise to my grrr-ness, such as:

– OMG 60 seconds in the microwave, are you kidding me?
– My kingdom for a green light!
– Is it Friday yet?
– Do I have a chance with this guy?

There are countless examples of how we expect instant gratification all the time.  The last trial, though, is a bit more complex than the others.  Being into someone and exploring the what ifs could drive me mad.  I previously established my view of being in a position to answer and the men to ask, as put by Dolly (Anna Karenina):

“You can’t understand it; for you men, who are free and make your own choice, it’s always clear whom you love.  But a girl’s in a position of suspense, with all a woman’s or maiden’s modesty, a girl who sees you men from afar, who takes everything on trust, — a girl may have, and often has, such a feeling that she cannot tell what to say.
…She is expecting to make her choice, and yet she cannot choose, she can only answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’.” 

I suppose it would be easier for girls to go tell the person of interest and forcibly alter the relationship once and for all.  Men have to deal with fear and pride when voicing their admiration, but it actually sounds better than waiting for God knows how long and wondering; What is holding them back?  Did I say or do something wrong?  Is there nothing going on between us?  Inconvenient as it may be, I will follow and maintain the role I was given and live my life according to these pragmatic views:

Challenge accepted
Seriously, take your time.  I can outwait circles around you.  If you want to know about true forbearance, this is nothing compared to Persuasion, Love in the Time of Cholera, Jacob and Rachel, Gone with the Wind, Anne of Green Gables, etc…yup, definitely a lot of (encouraging) books in the waiting room keeping me company.

Enjoy the friendship
Wishing and whining about liking them is not going to help anyone (I’ve tried).  My dear friend taught me this sensible concept and I hold onto it when I am frustrated.  Anyway, I’m much too selfish to fall in love with people who don’t act like they care or make an effort to be close.  I figure the not knowing is a normal part of the process, even though sometimes it feels hopeless.  At least there’s a lot less risk of being exposed or hurt when you’re friends.

Lonely no more
I used to desperately want a boyfriend in my teenage years, somehow I thought dating would validate me and fix everything.  Growing older, I don’t care as much because my worth and contentment is not based on shifting conditions.  I choose to value my friends and family instead; focusing on loving them better requires a lot of understanding, reflection, and compromise.

Side note: This in no way condones dismissing all suitors in search of someone to meet one’s extreme standards.

So those are the concepts that I keep in general and remind myself when affected by them hormones.  I am prone to scheming and fantasizing before I check myself for going into obsession land.  For the most part I desire a complete community while educating myself as much as possible to prepare for any future romance. Even if it doesn’t find me, I won’t despair, for love isn’t everything.

becoming-jane


Love Notion #4: The Game

Are you an angel?
– Anakin Skywalker

James Bond, Casanova, Liam Hemsworth…these smooth guys capture the fancy of millions with ease.  What is it with them?   Apparently it may be more than their considerable good looks.  Here is the article that gave me the 411 on the subject that occupies many a man.

The term “game” implies frivolous playing without any serious purpose.   The man (or woman) with this talent has leisure to win many hearts.  Chances are the person having fun may unintentionally lead the other party to feel something real and lose in the end.

There is more to look out for than what is being presented initially as you find a meaningful relationship.  I admit to being charmed by confident individuals who engage the room with their swagger, but would guard against trusting such people regardless of their polished manners.  I would advise to take more care when encountering a dazzler with perfect timing and social grace.  As we learn in Sense and Sensibility, the seductive Mr. Willoughby had all the appearance of openness and was easily liked but was a horrible choice. Honorable Edward was a better find with his modest and reserved character.  But let’s not draw any hasty conclusions. If there’s anything I would teach my peers and anyone with hormones, it would be that automatic decisions should be avoided.  Time and community are good tests to show a person’s true self.

What really turns my head is not necessarily the ladykiller with clever compliments and admirable skills.  More than that, integrity and consideration for others are dealmakers.  It’s wise to expect something underneath the surface presented.  It takes effort to go past the exterior but it’s worth it.  You may not melt immediately due to off-the-chart charisma, but a stable foundation is more valuable than being swept away by someone who gives you a “hey girl”.    Forget the honeyed words, take a second look at the one who builds you a cake and gives you the go ahead to drink 2% milk.

Here’s a toast to all those clumsy geeks with hearts of gold.  Cheers.  You will have your day, my friends!

image


Love Notion #3: The Symptoms

Been feeling funny around a certain person lately?  Do things seem confusing but you don’t quite know what ails you?  Let’s go over our professional checklist Cardcaptor Sakura style!

On your mind constantly
When experiencing happy or sad times you wish they were with you.  You wonder what they’re up to and miss them.
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Jealousy takes over
The idea of someone else in their life brings out the claws.  Step back, rivals, you’ll be cut down!
meiglomp6
Sweet mode
When they walk into a room and say hi you melt for some reason.  They also seem to glow and flower vision interferes with your sight.
yukito-sakura-vision
Always aware
You have a habit of watching their face and want to get as close as possible.
tomoyo-and-kero-undercover
Spazzy behavior
Blushing, stammering, clumsiness.  Argh, why do they make you so nervous?!
Episode_67
Giving becomes you
You’ll do most anything to see them smile.   Anytime they need help you say “no problem” and mean it even if it requires sacrificing your time and effort.
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Does this sound like you?  Hmm…
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Diagnosis:  You have a bad case of lovesickness!

There’s no cure but don’t torture yourself and enjoy the friendship.  Be there for that person and do what’s best for them.  Accept that they may find their happiness with or without you.  Hopefully it works out to be the former.  Gambatte!

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