Monthly Archives: November 2013

Women are Crazy Men are Stupid


I read an article once that said that when women have a conversation, they’re communicating on five levels. They follow the conversation that they’re actually having, the conversation that is specifically being avoided, the tone being applied to the overt conversation, the buried conversation that is being covered only in subtext, and finally the other person’s body language. That is, on many levels, astounding to me. I mean, that’s like having a freaking superpower. When I, and most other people with a Y chromosome, have a conversation, we’re having a conversation. Singular. We’re paying attention to what is being said, considering that, and replying to it. All these other conversations that have apparently been going on for the last several thousand years? I didn’t even know that they existed until I read that stupid article, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. …

So, ladies, if you ever have some conversation with your boyfriend or husband or brother or male friend, and you are telling him something perfectly obvious, and he comes away from it utterly clueless? I know it’s tempting to thing to yourself, ‘The man can’t possibly be that stupid!’ But yes. Yes, he can. Our innate strengths just aren’t the same. We are the mighty hunters, who are good at focusing on one thing at a time. For crying out loud, we have to turn down the radio in the car if we suspect we’re lost and need to figure out how to get where we’re going. That’s how impaired we are. I’m telling you, we have only the one conversation. Maybe some kind of relationship veteran like Michael Carpenter can do two, but that’s pushing the envelope. Five simultaneous conversations? Five? Shah. That just isn’t going to happen. At least, not for me.
– The Dresden Files

Spongebob: You wanna join us?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside!
Squidward: What do you mean, “have fun inside?”
SpongeBob: Just… have fun inside, see you tomorrow.
Squidward: Oh. Bye. (Rushes out again, SpongeBob and Patrick start reading again.) You little sneak! I see what you’re doing!
SpongeBob: (Confused) What?

Squidward: Don’t think I can’t see what you’re doing!
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: (Accusingly) You’re saying I can’t take it.
SpongeBob: But all I…
Squidward: Huh! You’re saying I’m soft. You think your little “have fun inside” challenge is going to make me come camping with you. But that is NEVER going to happen! There’s no way I’m going to sit out here all night with you two losers! So get used to it.
SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside!
Squidward: (Yelling) That’s it! I’m in! I’ll show you camping!

Males: WHAT is that supposed to mean?

The main key being: “(er) What? (no clue)”

Females: What is THAT supposed to mean?

The first excerpt with Harry’s observation does not solely point out how dense men can be, it also reflects the complexity of a woman’s mind. By “complexity” I mean hyper-sensitive-schizo-paranoid-manipulative-analysis-at-every-angle-while-inferring-unrelated-negative-themes. Admittingly this subconscious process sounds petty and tiresome. A suggestion to those who lead into useless fights this way would be to stop and change their pill type from crazy to chill. In the world of salesmen and politicians the 5 levels are employed offensively in their sadistic games and even purposely developed to their advantage. Sick respect.

A translation to a typical woman’s sayings and other good stuff:

And we have this prize example:

“What do you think about [insert anything here]?”
She might ask you this question and truly believe on the inside that she’s genuinely interested in your answer. This is a trick, this is only a trick. she means to say is, “Confirm that you feel the same way I feel about this.” I ain’t got a clue why women continue to ask men questions like this They probably want to give the man a chance to speak his opinion before they tell him their own. In reality, this is only a trick that’s best avoided by saying either “I’ve never really thought about it” or making a real good assumption at what you think her answer will be and making that yours. (

I know I really appreciate it when someone interviews me with open-ended questions in order to fish for a response that complements or contrasts with their hidden agenda.
Nope. Wait. Over it. Let’s chuck that mess in the trash. How about narrow the question down to specifics so as not to overwhelm the recipient with a generally broad concept?

Is there a better or worse way of thinking?
If you ask me personally this is a loose breakdown:

Rational + logic = right
Irrational + emotion = no solution

The one who can handle both planets of communication wins at life. If I could choose it would be the KISS method. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. What is the point of all these mind games? How is the conflict derived from double speak/ tests/ and expectations beneficial? This can’t change overnight but shouldn’t we be willing to adjust and meet halfway? What do I know, I’m not a doctor. I never took Psychology or Communications.

Of course trains of thinking can be flipped according to gender. I believe I fall more on the opposite spectrum and I know at least a few men who live on the other side (looking at YOU Ryan with your whiny rants and entourage of weak lamps/ jk you light up my life).

I told my brother about this and he said we should assign levels when we talk because apparently I missed the day when we learn how to deliver tone. Everything comes out as irritable or condescending, which, to be fair, applies half the time. Like the modern idiom: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism”. He also informed me I fail with body language, which I’m told unfortunately makes up 90% of communication. Another one of those social cues to which I am blind, effectively scattering those dreams of becoming an actress or world-class diplomat.

At least I have a person in my life who always understands, the one I am so thankful for faithfully staying with me through the best and worst of days.

I am, of course, referring to the woman in the mirror. I get me so much! #teammyself


GF Girl

A food allergy is like having an unrequited love…

Not Your Ordinary Woman

No maintenance – that’s how I roll.

I Don’t

It is beyond wonderful when a couple decides to marry = commit for life(?) .  I have not attended many weddings and who knows hopefully it will remain this way because they are low on my list of esteemed events. I could not be less interested when the whole Will + Kate union was going on, all I thought was “That is a loooong time to stand for a traditional Anglican ceremony.” From my experiences I would sum up the gathering as a big show with a lot of noise and drama.

The 5 Worst Things About Attending a Wedding

1. Going Out
What do I wear?  Argh.  Dressing up can take hours and you have to endure the barely legal torture devices called heels.

2. Traditions
Dancing – No thanks; I am choreographically challenged
Bouquet toss – There better be a $100 bill in there
Speeches – I enjoyed a few and it’s sad that listening is a lost skill but over 10 minutes have mercy

3. Needless Extravagance
Gag.  How much was the dress and for the whole party?  Venue?  Open bar?  Gifts?  Makes me wonder what weddings look like in pre-industrial societies or during the Great Depression.

4. Socializing
Seeing people you’d rather forget is bad enough let alone mingling with a crowd of strangers.  Then we get the inane dialogue: “How do you know so and so/ wow these are cool centerpieces/ I remember I took part in the couple’s courtship by orchestrating my genius plan…”

5.  And the worst dreaded annoying question for singles for all time:  “When will be YOUR special day?” 

My stock responses:
– What, and lose my freedom?
– There’s a lot more to life
– When someone asks me
– When God says so, nothing I can do about it
– When I grow up and am not scared of guys
– Can’t find anyone to put up with me yet
– You mean with my boyfriend the one you know I don’t have?
– Why not worry about yourself?
– Haven’t met anyone on my list
– After my other friends
– I’m happily devoted to my OTL Jesus

~ Conclusion ~
The main issue is this: Do I support the bride and groom at the end of the day?  I will not sacrifice time and effort as a courtesy to ones I barely know nor fully ship with all my heart.  Most people who date or marry seem to go about it the wrong way and set bad examples, which is a whole ‘nother can of tunafish.  My love for the couple has to exceed my disdain for the whole sordid affair.  As long as I’m here I will enjoy a fraction of my day savoring the dinner in silence.  When it comes to my own I can only say I will make it as short and sweet as possible.